Last week, my therapist said I need to give myself some more compassion. Don’t we all.
She also said I’ve lost a lot of things as of late. If that isn’t the truth, I don’t know what is. I know I’ve said this before but I’m grieving.
I’m grieving Friday night pathogens with some of my favorite people at in one of my favorite dugouts. I’m grieving what baseball normally feels like in Chavez Ravine, spending time with my dad who hates the wave. And summer hikes, brunch, and happy hours with My and Ash. Days off with a soulcycle class that heals me. I’m grieving Josh still. The plans we had, we were supposed to be in Cabo and San Francisco this week celebrating his birthday and watching Judah run a marathon. I’m grieving being able to travel and adventure that lights up my heart. A spring trip to New York to see Gar and Kristina. I LOVE the city in the spring, it’s fucking magic. A Texas trip where I am so taken care of where I can finally rest and hug my Alvarez babies. The sad comes in waves. There’s a lot of sad and hard days. I have no problem admitting that. It’s not all happiness. But actively finding the joy and the goodness helps, but it is still hard. That is the truth. That’s my truth.
It helps to keep talking about it. It gives it less power and more healing every single time I say it out loud. I’m planning things to look forward to. I’m planning days for rest. Making sure I have things that make me happy every day. Simple things, extraordinary in my ordinary. I have SO MANY THINGS to be grateful for. A tay breakup song (that I play on repeat) which was meant for me in this season. A favorite meal or dessert to die for. A walk with a favorite friend. A phone call that heals me. A beach day with salt in my hair. Movement or music that is medicine, and exactly what I need. A memory of JRS that makes me smile. A laugh from one of my peds patients that reminds me why I love my job. An evening phone call w dad. A book that makes me remember how lost I get in my characters. A sister date that reminds me how lucky I am. Finding the joy and gratitude, it’s there. It changes everything.
Currently listening to: tay’s folklore- favs are exile, the 1, and illicit affairs.
Currently reading: all the light we cannot see
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